You, are the apple of my eye

In a parallel universe, we would have gone back in time to correct all the missed opportunities, all the mistakes that we may have made in life; but in our present reality, all we can do is just look back at those memories, smile fondly and move on with our head held high.

《那些年，我們一起追的女孩》 is a Taiwanese coming of age film that en-captures all the joy, laughter, pain and sorrow of growing up. A tender, heartwarming and touching film that has an incredible heart, it's a realistic and honest reflection of the trials and tribulations of growing up in the 90s, in an era that heralds the burgeoning of the information age, in a world before the influx of the internet and the expanse of technology that it brings. Things were simpler, more innocent then, and you get a sense that without technology, relationships and bonds were more realistic and honest as well.

Its a film that's amazingly well crafted, finely balanced in its ability to shift from incredibly hilarious laugh out loud moments of both unabashedly crude humour that the Taiwanese are well known for and subtle blink-and-you'll-miss-it jokes, to moments that are unbelievably poignant, touching and occasionally heart wrenching. And its ability to straddle both sides of the emotional spectrum lies not just in the palpable chemistry of its entire ensemble cast, but also in the sensitivities of the director/screenwriter/author of the film. There's no doubt that the cast of mostly young twenty-somethings, led by 柯震東 & 陳妍希, have done an incredible job here, but the true success of the film lies in Director 九把刀's directing abilities - the scenes are almost postcard picturesque, the storytelling and pacing were both controlled and elegantly executed, brilliant work from a director who's making his directorial debut with this solid effort.

The ending's bittersweet, but then again, I found it extremely satisfying and realistic. On hindsight, any alternative ending would probably have felt forced and contrite, and the film would probably lose an incredible level of depth and poignancy. Nonetheless, I left the theatre feeling more refreshed and satisfied that I've ever been in a long time.

In life, we are bound to leave behind a slew of missed opportunities and unfortunate mishaps. But the point of growing up is to look back on these memories and regrets, and learn from them and to make sure that when the future comes, we grow with our experiences and seize the moments that would change our lives for the better. The past can never be rectified, but should always be remembered and treasured. At the same time, we strive to live life to the fullest, to create new memories and not regrets. And that, to me is the challenge of life. =)

An Ode to AMMM-BEEE-BEEE-ASSS

An Ode to AMMM-BEEE-BEEE-ASSS
My neurons are firing,
My senses are tingling,
But I can't seem to find my way.

Through the haystacks of knowledge,
The nonsense learnt in college,
Will someone help chase them away?

I wish I had a button,
That I could press and turn into a Titan,
That would certainly make my day!

For the Gods have their whims,
When it comes to examining limbs,
Leaving us, mere mortals sweating in dismay...

Still I'll punch Gustilo and Reiter
I'll crunch Trousseau and Klinefelter
And return like a King in May!

But the truth's that I really have no clue,
With regards to breaking the rules,
And til then, I can only pray.
___________________________________________________

Just a little something that I thought of while taking a 20 min train ride to KKH on Wednesday. Many thanks to Theresa for adding in a stanza and being a pseudo-editor, and the rest of CG 22 who thought it was amusing - thank you for entertaining my moment of madness/boredom. =)

So today's the last day where we are allowed to be in the wards. Come tomorrow, we will be barred from the wards of all public hospitals for two weeks, as they scramble to set things in motion for the start of the 20 day long AMMM-BEEE-BEEE-ASSS. A part of me is glad that the days of splitting ward commitments and mugging is over; now its really time to just lock myself up and eat/drink/breathe my notes. Still, it is with a heavy heart that I bid thee farewell! I will especially miss my M5 cg-mates! Despite it being dark and tough times, I had fun working and playing with everyone of you and I can't wait for the day where we can finally let loose and be glad that everything is over! Til then, all the best and take care in the remaining two weeks! Let's rock this! Woooo-hooo!

"You're not an asshole, Mark. You're just trying so hard to be. "

I know I'm a hundred years too late writing a review of 'The Social Network', especially since the movie was released in October last year, but I've got to admit that I'd only just watched it. (I was feeling manic today after my Psychiatric medicine EOPT and promptly went on a shopping spree: I don't know what got into me, but I spent a total of $310 dollars on books, DVDs and clothes in just 2 hours. I have no idea how I'm going to explain that much purchases to my mum.)

Anyway, one of the DVDs I bought just happened to be 'The Social Network'. I just finished watching the film (instead of dutifully sitting down and continue the mugging for my impending, DARE-I-SAY-IT, EMMM-BEEEE-BEEEEE-ASSSSSS examinations) and I just got this sudden urge/impulse/inspiration to blog about it. Yes, I absolutely freaking loved the film (because its such a typical film that nerds like me would like). Its such a brilliant film, well made, well scripted, well acted out. Perhaps the only weak point was the fact that Justin Timberlake was in it and I sincerely hope that he'll just stay with his day job of singing. Barring that, it was perfect. Jesse Eisenberg was GENIUS, just pure talent and genius oozing out of his every pore. Andrew Garfield was so genuine and sympathetic as the best friend who got betrayed big time that I REALLY wanted to punch everyone for him.

No one will ever know if the events of 'The Social Network' were real. Chances are the gist of it was true, but the details were overly dramatized for the sake of adding lots of extra oomph to it. The film portrays Facebook Founder Mark Zuckerberg as a socially awkward, stunningly brilliant, somewhat conniving, manipulative ass-hole. I highly doubt that the real Zuckerberg is that flawed an individual. Nonetheless, despite all the flaws that Movie-Zuckerberg had, the last scene betrays the fact that this was a guy who was utterly lonely in this world. He created a phenomenon that was meant to make it easier for everyone (and anyone) to connect with each other, but the greatest irony was that he had absolutely no one to connect to. I found it so heart breaking when he starts to realized it after betraying his one and only best/true friend. But its the last scene of the movie, when he truly realizes that all he wants desperately is to be accepted and to be forgiven by the girl who started this whole chain events, that particularly shines. Its so poignant, absurd even, but strangely, so touchingly moving.

For all its technical brilliance and intelligence, "The Social Network" is a movie that's especially good because it has a heart to it and its so relevant to. It takes something that's so ubiquitous in our life right now and uses it to juxtapose the opposing ideas of alienation and connectivity. Its a social commentary on the state of communication today, how the advent of social media has effectively given people a means of shielding themselves from the true need to communicate with one another, and in certain ways, caused a destruction in the ways of communication. We like to see ourselves as being more connected when we use such devices like Facebook, Twitter, Myspace, Friendster but all we are doing is simply typing to an inert machine that says things only because we are directing it to. Where's the sense in that? And isn't it ironic that the greatest revolution in connecting people was created by an individual who had so much problems relating and communicating and just connecting with the majority of the people around him?

That said, I think the reason why I was so particularly affected by this film is probably due to the fact that I see aspects of myself in Movie-Zuckerberg. First of all, I would like to clarify that I'm nowhere as intelligent and brilliant as he is, because the last time I checked, I'm most definitely not. Secondly, I would also like to think that I'm nowhere as manipulative and rational and stone-heartedly cold as him (though I'm probably as sarcastically mean as he is.) Lastly, I do not think I am as socially inept as he is (And I sincerely hope that to be true.) That said, the way Movie-Zuckerberg deals with people, the way he hides behind the layers of codes and codes like they serve to be some sort of divine protection, the way he uses sarcasm as a weapon, his somewhat callous attitude with regards to sacrificing personal relationships to further his own cause or desires, somewhat reminds me of... well me. I don't think I'm as crystallized as he is, but the same modus operandi seems to be in order. Just the skeleton, but not the flesh.

The truth is, like Movie-Mark, I use nonchalance, avoidance, cold-biting sarcasm as a defence (?offense) mechanism because I'm afraid of interacting with people really. I flutter around, hoping no one sees/notices me, and when they do, I've got this compulsive urge to just say some wise crack that instantly freezes everything and therefore allows me to ran away from the situation. And even when I'm around people I'm familiar with, I still have to fight the urge to say something or let an expression slip because sometimes I wish I weren't in a social situation. People don't seem to notice it, but most of the times, I wish I could just coop myself at home and dabble with my computer all day.

I've never been someone who handles one-on-one relationships properly. I prefer interacting with people as a group, because I much prefer reading cues among people, than reading cues of an individual. It gives me more room to maneuver and possibly slip away unnoticed. I also fear one-on-one connections, because I really suck at them. On one hand, I've always wished I'd one best friend, like Mark's Eduardo, who trusts you implicitly and is always there to watch your back. But I know that I secretly fear such relationships, because to me they represent one way streets that are so hard to turn back, especially when an accident happens and you are caught in a jam of a car wreck. And I know because I've screwed up one or two of such relationships before and I know that I'll rationalize them to no end, and I'll conclude quite stubbornly, (whether I'm right or not), that I'm not at fault and that I refuse to be caught in such emotional quagmires and I'll turn my back and walk away forever. Sort of like how Movie-Mark walked out of Movie-Eduardo.

So I have my GROUPS of close friends. My many cliques that I maintain (whether via mental segmentation or actual physical segmentation), groups of people that I enjoy interacting with, feel familiar and comfortable with. Groups which allow me more room to maneuver, to hide behind humour, to defend myself, to retreat in fear. Because I sometimes fear connection. I really do. But yet, like Movie-Mark, I sometimes desperately desire it too.

I'm highly aware of the fact that this has degraded into a rambling about me and my issues. I apologize for these incessant, unnecessary ramblings. But when a movie as good as the Social Network comes along, its hard not to be stimulated by it. Hence the ramblings.

I suddenly find myself unable to find more things to add here. I've ran out of things to comment of. I think I'll end here.

Awkward.

Cause we need a little Christmas now!

The fact that Christmas is here tells us many things:
1. The year 2010 is fast becoming yesteryear and the year 2011 is fast becoming reality.
2. Time flies, even when you aren't having fun!
3. People are gonna panic. Period.
4. Orchard is not going to be a safe place anymore. (Not that it was ever safe in the first place!)
5. The Nights are going to be colder, wetter, longer but more magical.

More importantly, the fact that Christmas is here serves as a reminder that there's so much to be thankful for. No matter how busy or screwed up you deem your life to be, we mustn't forget that there's always a life outside of this mugging bonanza, that there's always light in the darkness of everybody's life. So why not just kick back and relax on this very special day? Do something worthwhile! Enjoy your time with family or friends! Catch a feel good sappy movie! Or just enjoy a nice peaceful night on the rooftop, watching the stars shine!

Because goodness knows that, once in awhile, we all need something special in our tragic little lives to hold on to. Lest we be soul-less automatons that can't achieve anything beyond enslavement of mind, body and soul. =]

Merry X'mas everybody! Don't let the Reindeer bite!

and we will one day walk in bitter rain

This weekend has been one of the most trying ever. Its been both mentally and emotionally draining.

Once again, we bear witness to the extreme fragility of life. It brings back memories of the days in Secondary school, where our batch also faced a similar tragedy. I remember very vividly, the tears that some of my close friends had upon attending the wake, and I remember standing there, at a total loss for words, not knowing what to do to make the grief better. 7 years on, and I find myself facing a similar situation, though this time, the emotions are amplified a hundred times over. Because unlike the previous incident, this happens to involve a person with whom I'd known, someone whom I had spent 6 years of my school life, growing up together, making music together; together we were gunning for golds. I remember sitting just diagonally across him in the Orchestra, remember the brief conversations that I had with him throughout these 6 years, remember the cheerful, shy almost bashful smile he gave everyone when he greeted them.

Admittedly, we hardly had much contact since we graduated from junior college. I've never been close to him like how some others were. But nonetheless, it still hurts to know that gentle soul that I first met when we were precocious 13 year olds isn't here with us anymore. And it hurts me more to know that it was such a needless loss, a loss that shouldn't have happen, but yet, a loss that was probably beyond all of our control. Why it happened, perhaps we will never know. But what I do know, is that this has left a void in many people's hearts and perhaps, we will never ever dare view life in such a frivolous manner again.

"When the cold of winter comes
Starless night will cover day
In the veiling of the sun
We will walk in bitter rain

But in dreams
I can hear your name
And in dreams
We will meet again

When the seas and mountains fall
And we come, to end of days
In the dark I hear a call
Calling me there,
I will go there
And back again" - 'In Dreams' from the "Fellowship of the Ring'

One day, we will all walk together in bitter rain. Til then, you'll live on in our hearts and minds, while you find happiness where we cannot follow.

But have no doubt, you will be sorely missed.

and so it ends...

I'm currently high on Mocha right now, so I decided to get this entry up and running while I'm in creative and chatty mood. Just came home from Hwachong's annual MAF. I've got to be honest, this is probably going to be my last year attending MAF. I know I've been contemplating that every year, but after 6 different MAFs, I think this is really it. Its not that MAF has lost its meaning, its just that I think its time for me to take a step back and let it all go. Its time to accept that I've got to embark onto my adult life and to really venture out into the wild and crazy world. Every year MAF serves as some sort of escape route from facing the realities of growing up, where once a year, you can just go back to a school that's my Hogwarts, to feel safe being surrounded by its 4 walls, but I really think its time I stopped relying of this sort of escapism.

I know that I'll probably miss MAF, but the fact is, with each passing year, I feel that there's a new generation of Hwa Chongians who will come back to Hwa Chong and keep the spirit and the flame alive. Its really time for us to hand that torch to them. We'll work to keep that flame burning in a different way, doing our part to build a better home, a better nation, a better world for the future generations to come.

So I've decided that this year's MAF will be my last. Maybe one day I'll decide to come back. But I foresee that that day won't be anytime soon. It probably be a day 10 years down the road, where I'm happily married and I'll bring my wife and kids down to see the tradition that made me so proud to be a Hwa Chongian. But til then, its goodbye MAF. Thanks for all the wonderful memories. You'll be a tradition that will live on and on.

"多年以后又再相逢
我们都有了疲倦的笑容
问一声我的朋友 何时再为我吹奏
是否依旧是否依旧" - 细水长流

Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.

Okay, I'm fully aware that I did not blog yesterday, especially when I promised to actually write my entry about YOG. But I was too tired yesterday and had to crash at around 10pm or else I would have started my Orthopaedics posting as a half dead zombie. So yeah, but at least I'm here with another list today. No YOG post as promised though, but hopefully I'll get that produced soon, maybe on a day where I manage to get off earlier from posting or something. We'll see.

Anyway, here goes!

Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
1. Quit Swimming. I think it was just me trying to validate my laziness, and unfortunately, it paved the way for a no-sports policy in the next 13 years of post-primary education. And now, I feel that urge to start taking up sports again, but I don't know if its too late. We'll see.

2. Taking up French instead of Japanese as a 3rd Language. I have no idea what transpired my mind then that convinced me to take up French as a 3rd Language, when on hindsight now, I am so much more suited for learning Japanese. Perhaps it was just me wanting to act sophisticated or something. But now, I sorely regret not taking up Japanese because I would have been sure that my interest in Japanese could be properly sustained by a healthy dose of anime & manga.

3. Studying in a Singapore University. I really wanted to go to an overseas university and to just dump that life long dream because I got into medicine was on hindsight, total madness. Nothing I can do about it anymore, but yeah, if only I didn't want to be a doctor then.

4. Deciding to continue with certain plans in M2/M3 involving the formation of clinical groups. I really should have listened to other people's misgivings/advice then about potential problems, but I was too idealistic then and I ended up being quite miserable during 2 years of clinical postings. And now, I'm so much more happy and carefree! Happy indeed.

5. Not joining choir or drama in JC/sec school. I think I'm too much of a wuss really, because I did chose the easier path during sec school and JC. I didn't dare try out for choir at all, even though I really wanted to sing. HAHA. In the end, I joined CO and Huang Cheng's backstage crew because well, they were easier choices/options to make. And even now in med school, I'm still too much of a wuss to try out for performances like Playhouse and stuff. And I probably never ever will. Haha. WUSS.

6. For being so open with regards to relationship issues. Haha. I think its self explanatory, but yeah, I think there were things/feelings that should have been better left unsaid and now that so much things are in the open, its kinda hard to work around these things. It feels like I'm stuck. I really shouldn't be so transparent anymore.

Okay, ward rounds at 730 tomorrow. Time to sleep. Night!

Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.

I'm back! First thing's first, its part 4 of that quiz thing that's starting to annoy me because it feels like an obligation that I have to accomplish and I hate obligations. But oh well. Here goes.

Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Hmmmm. I foresee that this list is going to be quite difficult to complete, because my mind works at its best when its neurons are overstimulated and rapidly firing impulses in a totally chaotic and unregulated manner, so there are SO many thoughts that cross my mind that I don't really remember them. That said, I'm going to try my very best to recall as much of them as possible, and list down the more interesting ones here.

1. "Ah crap, what have I gotten myself into this time?"

2. "If I had continued swimming then, would I be much taller than I am today?"

3. "Okay, that's someone I recognize. I hope he/she doesn't notice me. Shit. He/She just noticed me. What should I do? Should I just smile/say hello/wave? Maybe I should just act as if I don't recognize him/her. Oh shit. He's/She's acknowledging my existence! Avoid eye contact and stop moving! Then maybe I'll blend into my environment. Oh shit, he's/she's walking up to me! Initiate evacuation protocol! RUN RUN RUN!"

4. "Ah shit. Some kid's sitting/standing next to me on the bus/MRT. I hope he/she doesn't notice that I'm extremely fearful of him/her. MUST AVOID EYE CONTACT AT ALL COST! Oh shit, I think he/she just smelled the fear in me! Die, must initiate evacuation protocol! RUN RUN RUN!"

5. "Auntie/Xiao Jie ... your fashion sense really CMI leh."

6. "Eh, this ______ (insert some random medical fact/condition) ah, really must know ah? MBBS will come out anot huh?"

7. "Woah, why this guy so handsome/buff/metro and dress so nicely one? Must be Gay."

Okay, I'm quite amused at myself, but I realize that the above thoughts really DO cross my mind very often. Haha. I think I'm mad. But its okay. That means I'm either a genius or a maverick. Take your pick. Kekekekeke.

YOG reflection piece to be up tomorrow! Oo-blah-di, Oo-blah-da, life goes on da! La-la-la-la Life goes on!

Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.

Okay. You can stop rolling your eyes now. I'll have it be known that I'm a spineless individual who is extremely susceptible to the brain-washing machinations of the powers who rule this island city state in which we live in. As you would have probably have guessed by now, I am currently suffering from Post-YOG depression. I couldn't even focus on studying today because all I that I can think about is how the YOG has officially ended and how suck life is going to be right now. Listening to the theme song helps to alleviate some of the pain, so I'm going to post the video in today's post as well. Don't tell me I'm super slow in posting the song on this blog. I wanted to do so ages ago... just that I sorta forgot that I actually had a blog, and I was too ashamed to do so on that social experiment called *acebook.

Now that that's out of the way, let's go on with Day Three of the quiz-thing.

Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart
Hmmm... Today's topic is destined to be an interesting one. "Eight ways to WIN my heart". Ha. I doubt anyone would even want to attempt to do that. I don't have a clear idea of what these 8 ways would be, so I'm just going to wing it and we'll see where we end up from here.

1. You have to be shorter than me. I'm sorry. I'm a vertically challenged boy, and no matter what others might say, height matters. I have a fragile ego and being taller than me would just utterly crush me. HA. Nah. That's not the real reason. (At least not the major one.) I think its just not visually & biologically appealing for the boy to be shorter than the girl. So yeah. I'm a prude that way.

2. Be smart & intelligent. Intelligence is sexy, even in girls. (Why am I being so sexist here!?!?) But yeah, I think I would fall head over heels for a girl who can challenge me mentally - come up with ideas/view on life that I never ever had before, engage me in a mental duel of sorts, and occasionally trounce me. That's going to be such an attractive quality.

3. Not be an overbearing, whiny *itch. Some girls just annoy me because they keep going on and on about the most frivolous things in life and expect things to be served to them on a golden platter. And the way they demand for your service or attention is so mind-f*ckingly rude that I really don't see a need to be even polite to them.

4. Have some kind of hobby/interest/activity that you are really passionate or skilled in. I actually like learning new things and if you are so passionate in something that you manage to get me interested in it as well, then you would have succeeded in influencing an extremely stubborn person and that's just freaking amazing.

5. Have a certain level of independence. I'm extremely independent and if there's one thing I fear the most is losing that independence and having some girl cling on to me 24/7. I need my personal space and time quite regularly and if you aren't able to give me that then I most probably won't be able to tolerate you. I just can't find the patience to deal with someone who needs my attention every single freaking moment. It'll drive me crazy.

6. Be able to tolerate my many quirks and eccentricities. I have to admit that I'm not an easy person to be in a long term relationship with. Haha. Heck, I'm terrible as a boyfriend really. I think I have a penchant for being quite unpredictable and ever changing, so if you can tolerate me, I'll probably give my heart and soul to you or something.

7. Be a lover of animals and nature. I cannot imagine not being able to enjoy nature with my girlfriend/wife. I definitely WOULD NOT like it if I went to Sungei Buloh with her and she keeps complaining about the mosquitoes or the weather. Or if she hates animals and thinks that global warming is just a theory. Or if she doesn't believe in doing her part to protect the environment and insists that we don't practice the 3 Rs. OR WORSE, she doesn't even know what the 3Rs are! I will seriously freak out.

8. Be someone who isn't afraid to occasionally lead the way. I think this stems from my tendency to be a bit lazy sometimes. I feel that in this age and day, both girls and boys should take equal share in taking the initiative. I get mildly irritated when girls still expect to be treated like a princess who expects the guy to plan everything during dates and only aims to complain when she doesn't like what was planned in the first place. Be confident and take the driver's seat at times. Its the age of gender equality man! Show me how great you are at being the boss, and I'll be smitten by you.

Okay, I'm finally done. Well, I don't think I managed to capture what I wanted to say properly, but yeah, the gist is there. I just barely managed to squeeze out 8 things to write about. Never thought that it'll be that difficult! But oh well, that's done and locked in. Not that it matters anyway. I'm sure that when the right girl comes, I'll know and whatever "criteria" that one used to go by wouldn't matter at all, even if she totally doesn't fit ANY of the above mentioned criterion. That's love. It makes fools out of all of us.

See ya again tomorrow then!

Day Two: Nine things about yourself.

Today's the last day of the inaugural Youth Olympic Games held in Singapore. I can't help but feel a sense of utter disappointment that the Youth Olympics are over. 12 days have gone by so quickly. I did make a couple of trips down to watch some of the events 'live' but I do regret not having done so earlier. Then again, tickets weren't really made available til about halfway through the games so I wouldn't have been able to get tickets anyway. Still, its been such a pleasure viewing the games, both 'live' and from home. I have quite alot of thoughts and feelings with regards to the Youth Olympics, so I think I'll leave them to another entry, either tomorrow or over the weekend. But I'm going to miss it really.

That said, I'm here to complete day two of the quiz thing that I've embarked on. Here goes!

Day Two: Nine things about myself
1. I am a closet patriot. I'm usually not too vocal about my love for my country, but I tend to get unbelievably patriotic whenever I watch big national events like NDP, YOG and the likes. Even watching the F1 Grand Prix makes me proud to be a Singaporean. Also, I absolutely love the Singapore skyline. Its amazing. Marina Bay is shaping up to be a real beauty man.

2. I have a habit/superstition with regards to cutting my hair. I will never have my hair cut when I'm in the midst of studying for a major exam because I believe that each strain of hair lost to that pair of dastardly scissors, is equivalent to some little bit of knowledge lost. So yeah, I tend to have very messy hair when I sit for major exams.

3. My biggest vice is probably that of laziness. That's probably why I tend to leave most of my personal projects for the dead. That and oh, procrastination. Its a sad thing really. But I just can't see a solution round it that I'll like.

4. I also tend to be very extreme with regards to developing interests in things. I get obsessed over an idea/concept/sport/game extremely quickly and get bored with it even quicker. Haha. That's probably the reason why my personal interests and hobbies actually change so often and regularly, and that I'm always constantly looking for new things to get obsessed with. Its an endless cycle of everlasting boredom.

5. That said, I'm very different in my approach to work. I tend to be a bit stubborn with my approach to studies and would take an extremely pragmatic, no nonsense, dogmatic method to planning a study schedule and sticking to it. No questions asked.

6. I love to do things at my own pace. That includes traveling. My ideal vacation is to throw me to a country/city for a month or so and just allow me to take my time to explore and live in that country/city. That's the way I like it really.

7. I have drawn loads of stuff and written loads of stories/scripts/poems and lyrics but I've never ever showed them to anyone. I've even destroyed a box worth of these creations before. I think I create for my own pleasure, but being able to destroy these creations gives me even greater satisfaction. Perverse indeed.

8. I'm quite interested in stuff that's dark, kooky, morbid, even grotesque, but my view of life and the world in general, is actually quite optimistic and cheery. (This totally surprises me!) I think it helps that I'm so used to negative energies, such that they don't bother me these days and I'm able to just march on with life in my own peaceful little bubble of chakras that just emote positivity.

9. I admit that I'm a bit of a prankster. I sometimes rejoice in the misfortune of others, and wouldn't ever miss an opportunity to embarrass someone or make them squirm! YAY!

Okay. I'm dead beat. Time to sleep. Tata!

Yes It's Real Love, It's Real

So today's the 8th of June and I've been back in Singapore for a week now. The past week's been great: and by that, I mean that I've accomplished much by slacking around at home, eating the local dishes that I've missed and of course, catching up with the people that I've so dearly missed as well. And I think I've finally gotten rid of the Jet Lag, which is a relief I tell you. I don't really know how I would function if I didn't get rid of the horrible desire to be sleeping at 3 in the afternoon (or to be awake at 3 in the morning!) Anyway, I feel fully rested and I think its time to finally put down my thoughts concerning my 2 month overseas stint into words. First up, my thoughts about my month in London!

"From this moment on I know,
Exactly where my life will go.
Seems that all I really was doing
Was waitin' for love." - "Real Love", John Lennon



I think the song above totally sums up my feelings when I was in London. There's no other way to describe my feelings for London, except that its just 'Real Love'.

This is my third time visiting London and at 4 weeks, the longest I'd ever stayed there. Considering the fact that I'd already visited the city twice before, I was worried that I'll get bored visiting the British capital again. After this trip, I realised that I probably won't ever get bored with London. There's just something about the place that revitalises me; everytime I step out onto the streets of London, I feel this 'fire deep inside, something bursting me wide open, impossible to hide' (LOL, a line from the song "Electricity" featured in "Billy Elliot: The Musical") But yeah, London has this quality to it that just reinvigorates me. Maybe its the architecture, maybe its the cobblestone streets, maybe its the way the British speak, the way they hold themselves with so much dignity and grace, maybe its the air, maybe its the weather, maybe its just a mix of everything, but London just has this great quality to it that makes it so attractive to me.

What do I love most about London? Probably the atmosphere of civility. I love the fact that the Brits are not the most friendly of people, but they are polite, reserved and civil. Classic stiff upper lip. They aren't as exuberant or unabashedly-in-your-face like the Americans, which totally scares (and sometimes irritates) me. Its the right kind of balance between minding your own business and respecting personal space, and being friendly, helpful and civic minded only when there is a need to. The Brits are like that - they offer to help only when you really seek their help, they speak to you only when they are spoken to, they are friendly to you only when you approach them in the first place; otherwise, they are just politely minding their own business, carrying on with their own preoccupations and their lives. I think I'm like that. Some people are so outgoing that individual boundaries no longer remain. It becomes scary, like an invasion of privacy. America tends to be like that - its a country of extremes. Britain and its people are more moderated - yes, that's the word. Moderation. Moderated civility. Just keep calm and move on. Its such a classic British approach to the world's problems, one that's practical, pragmatic and that I personally admire and would hope to adhere to. When there's something getting you down, just shut up, suck it up and move on. No point complaining and whining about it. A simple phrase that speaks volumes.

Another thing about London that I love, is that, just like New York, its a cosmopolitan, multi-ethnic city that doesn't isolate you, but its lacks the feeling of intimidation and claustrophobia that New York has. New York, with its endless sky scrappers, can be a lot to handle and grow used to. London doesn't have that feeling at all - its low rise buildings are quaint and personable in nature, never as intimidating as the towering sky scrappers and apartment blocks of New York. On top of that, cosmopolitan London never loses its unique sense of Britishness, which is something I feel that both New York and Singapore don't quite accomplish. The latter two cities are cities whose identity is sort of an amalgamation of the many ethnicities that inhabit them - if you strip away the layers, you'll realise that at the end of the day, there isn't much identity to talk about. London doesn't seem to suffer this problem. Its cosmopolitan, yet beneath all the many layers, it remains an essentially British city. It makes it very very unique - a city with so much depth and character and history, so many layers to explore but with a heart that's solidly British. Amazing.

This trip also made me realise how much I actually regret not being able to pursue a tertiary education in the UK. I think studying overseas would have drastically changed the way I am today as well. Granted that studying in medicine has probably had some degree of influence on the way I am today as well, but I think I would have benefited much more from an overseas education - not necessarily in terms of content, but in terms of developing independence and my global outlook and stuff. I do feel a certain degree of envy for my friends who had the opportunity to study abroad. In some sense, they are living the life that I had dreamed off when I was in secondary school, a dream that was derailed when I had that sudden inspiration in JC to get into medical school. If only I didn't attend that open house trip back when I was in J1 - I would probably be in a university in the UK now. Its amazing how the smallest of events and decisions can forever change the path of an individual.

I enjoyed my one month in London tremendously. This one month has forever sealed my love for one of the most cosmopolitan, yet distinctly unique cities in the world. Its my home away from home. I'm definitely going back to London for more visits in the future, and if possible, a longer stay there. Maybe I'll work there, maybe I'll live there for awhile, I dunno. But one thing is for sure: this love affair with this city will forever play a part in the remainder of my life.

Hello, Goodbye!

Hello, Goodbye - The Beatles
You say yes, I say no
You say stop and I say go, go, go
Oh, no
You say goodbye and I say hello
Hello, hello
I don't know why you say goodbye
I say hello
Hello, hello
I don't know why you say goodbye
I say hello

I say high, you say low
You say why, and I say I don't know
Oh, no
You say goodbye and I say hello
Hello, hello
I don't know why you say goodbye
I say hello
Hello, hello
I don't know why you say goodbye
I say hello

Why, why, why, why, why, why
Do you say good bye
Goodbye, bye, bye, bye, bye

Oh, no
You say goodbye and I say hello
Hello, hello
I don't know why you say goodbye
I say hello
Hello, hello
I don't know why you say goodbye
I say hello
hello, hello
I don't know why you say goodbye I say hello
Hello

Hela, heba helloa
Hela, heba helloa
_____________________________________________

WELL. THIS IS IT!
Lalalalalalalalalalalalala!

I'm off your the next ten weeks or so, gonna dabble in a little Western style living. First to enjoy the old-school charm of dapple London, and then the revolutionary zeal of eclectic New York. I hope I've brought enough clothes to last me 10 weeks but then again, I hope that my luggage isn't overloaded. Yeah. Haha

I can't wait to roam the streets of London again! Woo hoo!

Of intubations, leopards and tigers.

I think its really strange to transition from intubating and doing CPR on a couple of collapsed patients, to making your way home the next moment to change before leaving for the Night Safari to do my part for the department in helping to entertain a distinguished foreign guest. Such is the nature of life in the emergency department. (And shift work!)

I haven't had much time to really get a feel of what its like to be working in the Emergency Department because I've only just started elective there on Monday, and so far the supervisor I'm supposed to be following is on leave and my replacement supervisor is on leave every other day, but yeah, I've learnt that in Emergency Medicine, you really can't predict what's going to happen next. There are quiet night calls, and there are extremely hellish ones. There are days were everything goes according to plan and there are nights that hell will rain blood and tears all over you. Take today for example: in the span of the 2 hours where I was on the shop floor, there were a total of 4 standbys one after another(2 of them were collapses, 1 STEMI and 1 AMS), another patient who suddenly deteriorated while making her way to the CT scan and a resuscitation bay that was jammed packed with people rushing to create a sense of order among the chaos. Today also marks the first time I had ever heard the anguish screams of relatives resonating through the air when they are first told the words that every family dreads to hear from the mouth of a doctor: 'I'm sorry, but we've done our best.' I had only thought that you'll hear or see such scenes in the movies, but today I realized that it happens in real life as well. And the message really hit home because the patient in question was one of two patients that I had intubated and performed CPR on. You realize that this is life. There's always going to be death. Such is the nature of Medicine.

And of course, the next moment, I was on my way home because I was "volunteered" by my replacement supervisor to accompany another registrar and a foreign dignitary to the Night Safari, and thus ended my shift 5 hours before I was due to go. (I highly suspect that its all his ploy to get rid of me!). It was a surreal experience, having to just drop all the drama and horror seen in the last 45 mins or so and just walk out of the department doors having to feel excited and happy about going to the Night Safari, but I was strangely up to it. It just felt surreal and a bit weird, but the sadness isn't there anymore. Either I've become too jaded and used to death, or I've just master the art of letting go.

But anyway, that's not my point. I was asking the registrar involved why she had to play tour guide as well and she gave me the 'Duh, just like you, I got arrowed lah' look. I guess being arrowed to do stuff totally unrelated to the practice of medicine, is probably something that all junior specialist doctors have to do. Being arrowed to do sai-gang: probably a constant here in Singapore really, regardless of where you actually work in. But yeah, it was interesting. Entertaining foreign guests can be amusing. Its all smiles and cordial speech. It gets quite tiring as well, but it was something different compared to I don't know, setting an IV line or Toilet and Suturing. But such is the wonder of the shift system - you have time to do something totally unrelated to medicine everyday, which can be a perfect break sometimes.

I wonder what other surprises lie in wait in the TTSH A&E department. I can hardly wait. =)

我沒有說謊 ;)

Its November, and I realised that the last entry here was dated 15th of October. Its been more than a month since I've left an entry here! Time really flies when you are preoccupied with work. Haha.

Its been five weeks since I last visited my blog. In these five weeks, I've started on my excruciating path down Obstetrics and Gynaecology, which really isn't a breeze to go through at all. In the past five weeks, I've delivered babies, I've seen (and examined) the nether regions of many women, I've touched countless pregnant bellies and I've come to reinforce my conclusion that O and G is definitely not my cup of tea. Its not as disgusting as I had envisioned it be to, and truth be told, its definitely easier than paediatrics, but honestly you have to really enjoy interacting and dealing with hormonal, angry and grumpy women to love O and G. Its definitely a job for women. Who better to deal with women than women themselves?

I haven't been doing much in the past few weeks except work work work. There was playhouse in which I was glad that I could at least help out a bit in the production. There were the occasional meetings with family and friends. And then there was the period of severe depression and exhaustion that lasted for 5 days or so. But I'm glad that the depression is over (the exhaustion, unfortunately, is never ever going to go away!) and I think I shouldn't have a problem surviving the last 3 weeks before the end of my most feared posting.

Anyway, I was studying when this random thought just floated into my brain: people lie all the time, whether or not they actually meant for these lies to hurt is another matter altogether. I think alot of people lie to people that they are close to: be it girlfriends/boyfriends, spouses, family, friends, mistresses/lover etc. Very often, we don't lie to those that we aren't close to at all. We couldn't care less if they heard the painful truth, so we just give them a dose of toxic reality and let them deal with the consequences. But when it comes to someone who you genuinely like, you can help but lie - whether its preferring to avoid letting them know the truth, whether its acting as if nothing bad ever happened and just letting them continue to live on with their lives, we prefer to avoid dumping the ugly truth on them. We do so because we supposedly care about their feelings and emotions, to 'protect' them, but sometimes, such actions would result in more harm than good.

The truth is an extremely fickle and dangerous thing. I don't really like to be faced with it, but I think we are unfortunately forced to deal with it everyday. I feel like I'm forced to cope with it be telling more lies which sends everything into a conundrum of repetitive causality and effect. I guess lying is a coping mechanism, to hide from the realities of the world - some people live in fantasies, some people live in lies.

It just so happens that Yoga 林宥嘉's new album has this fantastic new song called "說謊"!


"我沒有說謊 我何必說謊
愛一個人 沒愛到難道就會怎麼樣
別說我說謊 人生已經如此的艱難
有些事情就不要拆穿"
I think this stanza is appropriately apt. At the end of the day, I guess its better to live with the lies and avoid uncovering them - some things are better left uncovered. :)

The problem with being idle

This week's gonna be my last ever week of being idle in a very long time. Haha. With the end of my short postings just around the corner, I feel a slight tinge of sadness that my life's going to be replaced by the madness that is O&G. But truth be told, a part of me is actually happy that such idle days are almost over. I honestly feel that having absolutely nothing to study for is much much worse than having tonnes of work to do. The days of short postings were just like the former - very often, there just wasn't any impetus to read or to learn stuff. They were just days of endless waiting and loafing about - too much loafing in fact! I think my brain has officially undergone liquefactive necrosis and has turned into jello.

Not that I did not enjoy my days in the various short postings. I had fun in most, if not all of them. Still, I feel like I've come out of these short postings without truly accomplishing anything, like I've just woken up from an incredibly long coma and is currently struggling to shake off the remnants of stupor. I need some excitement to refresh my life man. These 2 months of slacking has really taken a toil on whatever edge I once had.

Then again, once O&G gets underway, I'll probably look back at this entry and wonder 'WHAT THE HELL WAS I COMPLAINING ABOUT?!?!' But yeah, that's another issue for me to face another day. As of now, I need to get out of this slump. TOO MUCH COMPUTER GAMES. ARGH.

500 days of Summer

This is NOT your average love story. Its a story that focuses on the deconstruction of a relationship.

I absolutely loved it, because its quirky, non-conventional and bittersweet. It has amazingly likeable leads who you can't help but root for. Joseph Gordon-Levitt's acting is the highlight of this film - his subtle portrayal of a sensitive man who is vulnerable both in and out of love was just excellent! I want to say more, but my mind's totally fried from long hours of sleep deprivation. Dude, this film just rocks!

After watching the film, I can't help but feel a sense of gratification. Love, is just a fantasy. A fantasy that forces us to have amazingly high expectations of what we hope Love will be, but then the brutality of reality will always make us realise how silly our thoughts were. As the titular character in the film, 'Summer' so coolly explains - 'Life happened. And Love was gone.'

This film is for all the self professed nerds out there who have problems finding or understanding that tricky little concept that we call 'Love'. I wanted to watch it because I felt that I might be able to identify with the film's lead. I came out of it feeling as if I've lived through all my failed attempts at contemplating 'Love' all over again. Such is the nature of it all - we males of the new-age-geeky-nerdy-emo-i'm-so-sensitive-and-sweet generation have such an amazingly stupid way of destroying our own relationships because we just read too much into the silliest of things. Its absurd really, but its true. The film captures nothing but the truth.

The truth is, as much as I would love to deny it - I'm still a geeky, nerdy, socially awkward guy living in today's ultra-fast paced modern society, and I totally dread dipping my toes in the ocean of modern day romances. God Save Me.

MAF 2009

I had a great time at HwaChong's MAF last night! Every year I say the same thing about MAF, how great it is to go back to HwaChong to soak in the atmosphere of being back home again, of being able to hang out with my JC classmates and friends, to laze around the beloved class bench, to do all the lame and incredibly stupid things we used to do. But the thing is, I never get tired reflecting on how wonderful MAF is. I think MAF is what makes HwaChong great. That sense of family and belonging that it manages to generate - no other institution comes up with something close to it.

I did do something different though - I actually stayed to dance in the mass dance session, which is something I never did do in the last 4 years of MAF. I dunno, something got me extremely high last night. I suspect its the fact that I was listening to Sodagreen's 'Summer/Fever' album prior to going for MAF, but that's going to be another story for another time. But yeah, I actually danced in the mass dance session! Its a miracle I didn't drop dead, but I did step on ALOT of people's toes with my totally unco-ordinated foot work and slap ALOT of people with my flailing arms! Totally worth it! =P

Its really nice to go back to HwaChong every year. Honestly, I do feel like I feel more for HwaChong then say, MedFac or NUS. Its a special feeling that I would always look forward experiencing during that special time of the year! I LOVE MAF!

I'll search for the Orange Moon that lit up our love on the Ocean

Orange Moon - Khalil Fong

There we sat among the thousand,
fools just like us, but not so in love like us.
There we spoke of our love feelings,
and dreams were born like that, and we hope for love like that.
Now your dreams have changed and were far apart.
I don't know when or where to start,
leading you from my mind.
I want to stand with you again.
I hope to find you here again
in the eternal sunshine.

*I'll search for the orange moon that lit up our love on the ocean
while I hold your hand.
Now watch all the waves from the stones
where we gazed to the golden sun.
If I see the horizon,
glow just the same as it did when we stood on the hill.
Ill make the arrangements, just wait on that corner for me.
If you drop me a line, Ill be sure to make these arrangements.

Lay your head upon my shoulder,
Ill sing a tune or three sweet melodies for thee.
Softly speak, to say 我愛你,
why do you leave,
my heart is at your feet.
Well, I like to share three words again,
Parts of these words with you again if you think its possible.
And maybe I can pull you close
and whisper in your ear again
that I want you in my life forever.

*I'll search for the orange moon that lit up our love on the ocean
while I hold your hands.
Now watch all the waves from the stones
where we gazed to the golden sun.
If I see the horizon,
glow just the same as it did when we stood on the hill.
Ill make the arrangements,
just wait on that corner for me.

You are like the summer rain that cools me, that sooths me.
You are the person that I pray for everyday.
Maybe well sit on those stairs once again,
maybe we wont turn down have to pretend,
you will be here in my imaginings, fade imaginings.

*I'll search for the orange moon that lit up our love on the ocean
while I hold your hands.
Now watch all the waves from the stones
where we gazed to the golden sun.
If I see the horizon,
glow just the same as it did when we stood on the hill.
I'll make the arrangements, just wait on that corner for me.
If you drop me a line, Ill be sure to make these arrangements.
__________________________________

This is a hidden track from Khalil Fong's Orange Moon album. It doesn't have a real title per say, but I guess Orange Moon's a perfect one, given that that's the album's title and that the term appears quite often throughout the song. Apparently, its the original English demo of a song that was later sung by Eason Chan (its Mandarin version's called 倒带人生). I've heard both versions, and I must say Khalil's original version is much nicer. Its just the vibe of the song. The tune's addictively simple and carefree, the kind that's hard to come by these days. The lyrics are also simple, but romantic. Its like poetry really. I wish I could write lyrics of such quality and caliber, but any attempts by me are usually quite laughable. Haha. I mean, if they were any good, I would have publish them on this blog already. But oh well, not everyone has what it takes to be an amazing lyricist, and I guess I'm not one of those born geniuses. :)

I've been busy lately. Not with work but with meeting ups and stuff. I like it really. This week's been busy, but immensely satisfying. I'm happy. Like really genuinely happy, and its because I've been doing nothing fantastic but to live a mind-numbing ordinary life - a life that consist of work, catching up with friends and spending time with family. I think we really do have to start paying attention to and to start learning how to appreciate the simple things in life - because like lyrics, the more simple it is, the more beautiful it becomes. Life doesn't have to be a drama-mama fairy tale, it can be just a simple uneventful story and it'll still be something that can be immensely wonderful.

So just treasure it. And remember to look for the Orange Moon that lit up our love in the horizon. :)

the start of M4

Starting tomorrow, I will be an M4 medical student.

Sigh. Time sure flies. Its incredible really. Very soon M4 will be over and we'll be doing our electives... and then it'll be the start of M5 and the beginning of our doom!

I start Orthopaedics tomorrow. 2 months of broken bones, worn out joints and various nerve palsies. I personally am not looking forward to it, because the last time I interacted with any Orthopaedic surgeon, I had a very bad experience. These people are generally not the most friendly of the lot.

That said, its sad that I'm feeling so exhausted on the night before I start my Orthopaedics posting. I had an exhausting weekend, not because I was out partying the night away or anything, but it has been such an emotionally draining three days that I feel like I've been infected by H1N1 influenza or something. I am exhausted.

I am on the other hand, quite upset that I had to forgo several social engagements over the past few days. I missed a 71 gathering (argh!) and also a Kbox outing. I also missed my last chance to catch StarTrek in the cinema. I've a feeling that I would feel better if I had went for some of this social engagements, but alas, the call of duty is too strong to ignore. Such is the destiny of my lot.

Another a new day, another new posting, another new semester, a totally new academic year. Time to take the plunge people!