Yes It's Real Love, It's Real

So today's the 8th of June and I've been back in Singapore for a week now. The past week's been great: and by that, I mean that I've accomplished much by slacking around at home, eating the local dishes that I've missed and of course, catching up with the people that I've so dearly missed as well. And I think I've finally gotten rid of the Jet Lag, which is a relief I tell you. I don't really know how I would function if I didn't get rid of the horrible desire to be sleeping at 3 in the afternoon (or to be awake at 3 in the morning!) Anyway, I feel fully rested and I think its time to finally put down my thoughts concerning my 2 month overseas stint into words. First up, my thoughts about my month in London!

"From this moment on I know,
Exactly where my life will go.
Seems that all I really was doing
Was waitin' for love." - "Real Love", John Lennon



I think the song above totally sums up my feelings when I was in London. There's no other way to describe my feelings for London, except that its just 'Real Love'.

This is my third time visiting London and at 4 weeks, the longest I'd ever stayed there. Considering the fact that I'd already visited the city twice before, I was worried that I'll get bored visiting the British capital again. After this trip, I realised that I probably won't ever get bored with London. There's just something about the place that revitalises me; everytime I step out onto the streets of London, I feel this 'fire deep inside, something bursting me wide open, impossible to hide' (LOL, a line from the song "Electricity" featured in "Billy Elliot: The Musical") But yeah, London has this quality to it that just reinvigorates me. Maybe its the architecture, maybe its the cobblestone streets, maybe its the way the British speak, the way they hold themselves with so much dignity and grace, maybe its the air, maybe its the weather, maybe its just a mix of everything, but London just has this great quality to it that makes it so attractive to me.

What do I love most about London? Probably the atmosphere of civility. I love the fact that the Brits are not the most friendly of people, but they are polite, reserved and civil. Classic stiff upper lip. They aren't as exuberant or unabashedly-in-your-face like the Americans, which totally scares (and sometimes irritates) me. Its the right kind of balance between minding your own business and respecting personal space, and being friendly, helpful and civic minded only when there is a need to. The Brits are like that - they offer to help only when you really seek their help, they speak to you only when they are spoken to, they are friendly to you only when you approach them in the first place; otherwise, they are just politely minding their own business, carrying on with their own preoccupations and their lives. I think I'm like that. Some people are so outgoing that individual boundaries no longer remain. It becomes scary, like an invasion of privacy. America tends to be like that - its a country of extremes. Britain and its people are more moderated - yes, that's the word. Moderation. Moderated civility. Just keep calm and move on. Its such a classic British approach to the world's problems, one that's practical, pragmatic and that I personally admire and would hope to adhere to. When there's something getting you down, just shut up, suck it up and move on. No point complaining and whining about it. A simple phrase that speaks volumes.

Another thing about London that I love, is that, just like New York, its a cosmopolitan, multi-ethnic city that doesn't isolate you, but its lacks the feeling of intimidation and claustrophobia that New York has. New York, with its endless sky scrappers, can be a lot to handle and grow used to. London doesn't have that feeling at all - its low rise buildings are quaint and personable in nature, never as intimidating as the towering sky scrappers and apartment blocks of New York. On top of that, cosmopolitan London never loses its unique sense of Britishness, which is something I feel that both New York and Singapore don't quite accomplish. The latter two cities are cities whose identity is sort of an amalgamation of the many ethnicities that inhabit them - if you strip away the layers, you'll realise that at the end of the day, there isn't much identity to talk about. London doesn't seem to suffer this problem. Its cosmopolitan, yet beneath all the many layers, it remains an essentially British city. It makes it very very unique - a city with so much depth and character and history, so many layers to explore but with a heart that's solidly British. Amazing.

This trip also made me realise how much I actually regret not being able to pursue a tertiary education in the UK. I think studying overseas would have drastically changed the way I am today as well. Granted that studying in medicine has probably had some degree of influence on the way I am today as well, but I think I would have benefited much more from an overseas education - not necessarily in terms of content, but in terms of developing independence and my global outlook and stuff. I do feel a certain degree of envy for my friends who had the opportunity to study abroad. In some sense, they are living the life that I had dreamed off when I was in secondary school, a dream that was derailed when I had that sudden inspiration in JC to get into medical school. If only I didn't attend that open house trip back when I was in J1 - I would probably be in a university in the UK now. Its amazing how the smallest of events and decisions can forever change the path of an individual.

I enjoyed my one month in London tremendously. This one month has forever sealed my love for one of the most cosmopolitan, yet distinctly unique cities in the world. Its my home away from home. I'm definitely going back to London for more visits in the future, and if possible, a longer stay there. Maybe I'll work there, maybe I'll live there for awhile, I dunno. But one thing is for sure: this love affair with this city will forever play a part in the remainder of my life.

if only we could dissect everything.

This is my first entry in almost 2 months, and I've felt like I've been on an amazing life changing journey since that entry dated 2nd April. I'm still in New York, the Big Apple. The city's great, but I definitely miss London more. There's something about New York that fascinates me, but after awhile, it really gets onto you. Its not that good a place to live in, and when you are up against a place like London, a place that I love so much, a place that holds such a special place in my heart, New York really kinda flounders. But its still a great exciting place to visit.

I'm currently typing this entry at Mt Sinai's library now. I guess I'm really supposed to be in Surgery right now, but to be honest, I don't know if I can stand to observe or scrub in to another surgery here. The surgery I was supposed to go for is an Aterio-venous fistula creation, something that I've seen over 4 times during my stay here and I seriously do not want to watch another again. I don't understand these Americans though. They expect us to keep watching the same surgeries over and over again and when we choose not to, they grumble that we should do so because that's the whole point of residency. But we AREN'T on residency! Surgery's BORING. Oh my god. I wanna stick a scalpel in their Jugulars. And then they go on about how everything here's our choice. And when we make a choice that's the opposite of what they expect us to do, they grumble. Typical American style democracy: you can choose what you want, but as long as its not the same decision as theirs, its not a good decision.

I think Americans are much too intense for their own good. Its not as if they are super stellar or outstanding; they are about as efficient as the British, and that's not a compliment either. But I like the British way of doing things more - they have a more relaxed, more reserved way of making decisions and accepting decisions. I think Britain rules. Here everyone treats the patients so aggressively, I sometimes wonder if they're killing them instead. Its horrendous, unethical even. I dunno, I'm glad I came on this posting, because I'm convinced that I would NEVER ever want to work in the USA. The system's just not for me. Its a very enterprise like system, too commercialized, to business-like. I pray that Singapore's health care system isn't evolving to something similar, because it certainly isn't the right way to go.

I have so much thoughts about these two months. One day, I'll have to settle myself down to properly make sense of it all. Time to grab lunch. Tata!

Hello, Goodbye!

Hello, Goodbye - The Beatles
You say yes, I say no
You say stop and I say go, go, go
Oh, no
You say goodbye and I say hello
Hello, hello
I don't know why you say goodbye
I say hello
Hello, hello
I don't know why you say goodbye
I say hello

I say high, you say low
You say why, and I say I don't know
Oh, no
You say goodbye and I say hello
Hello, hello
I don't know why you say goodbye
I say hello
Hello, hello
I don't know why you say goodbye
I say hello

Why, why, why, why, why, why
Do you say good bye
Goodbye, bye, bye, bye, bye

Oh, no
You say goodbye and I say hello
Hello, hello
I don't know why you say goodbye
I say hello
Hello, hello
I don't know why you say goodbye
I say hello
hello, hello
I don't know why you say goodbye I say hello
Hello

Hela, heba helloa
Hela, heba helloa
_____________________________________________

WELL. THIS IS IT!
Lalalalalalalalalalalalala!

I'm off your the next ten weeks or so, gonna dabble in a little Western style living. First to enjoy the old-school charm of dapple London, and then the revolutionary zeal of eclectic New York. I hope I've brought enough clothes to last me 10 weeks but then again, I hope that my luggage isn't overloaded. Yeah. Haha

I can't wait to roam the streets of London again! Woo hoo!

dragons, down the rabbit hole

I recently had the time to watch not one, but TWO visually stunning movies, in 3D no less! But while both were visually a treat to watch, one was crap, while the other was fantastic.


Ever since I had first caught wind of the fact that Tim Burton was set to film his own adaptation of 'Alice in Wonderland', I have been dying to watch it. I mean, who better to film such a whimsical, eccentric tale as Alice In Wonderland, than the master of eccentricities and quirkiness himself, Tim Burton! Stunning cinematography and visual effects aside, Tim Burton's 'Alice in Wonderland' is a horrible disappointment. A tragic failure. A movie so ridiculously bad, even the acting prowess of a stellar cast which includes the likes of Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter and Anne Hathaway can't save. I watched 'Alice' feeling like I was watching a kindergarten play that was created haphazardly in a matter of hours - it was disorganized, it was frenetic, it was nonsensical. Maybe that was the whole point of the movie really, to be as nonsensical as possible - afterall, it is WONDERLAND, a place where everything and anything seems possible and liable to go awfully wrong. But know, it was a painful experience watching this movie and I had to struggle to curb the urge leave the theatre half way through it. Honestly, its been a long time since I had ever felt this way with regards to any movie! A great achievement really!

ANYWAY, the main thing I hated about 'Alice' was the way Tim Burton turned an original movie that was whimsical, kooky but sophisticated into a superficial, pointless retelling that had no heart to the story at all. The script was the killer - the plot was paper thin and highly highly contrived, the lines were awfully bad, the jokes were awfully flat. It didn't feel like there was a story at all, which is awfully sad because every good movie tells a fantastic story. Without a good story, your movie sucks really. At the end of the day, there just wasn't any point with this retelling of the classic story of 'Alice' at all. Just a pointless, unnecessary movie - it feels as though Tim Burton only made this movie to jump onto the 3D bandwagon made popular due to the tremendous success of Avatar so as to make tonnes of money. If doesn't feel as though he placed much effort into making this movie at all. Ultimately, what you get is a film that's perfect on paper, but went awfully wrong in its execution. Definitely one of the biggest disappointments of all time.


Now onto the film that I ENJOYED! Dreamworks' 'HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON' is FANTASTIC. I think I enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed Avatar! While it certainly left me wishing the movie was longer than its actually length, and also hoping that sequels would be produced. But anyway, this movie totally rocks my socks and I strongly recommend it. I'm so glad I got to watch this movie before flying off to the UK and US though, because I don't think I would be willing to fork out money to watch movies in these countries - movie tickets cost a bomb there!

'How to train your dragon' has quite a classic, simple storyline. Its your typical coming of age story, about a young Viking boy called Hiccup who find's himself as sorta an outcast in Viking society: here he is, a smart, funny, scrawny kid living in a society of brawny, gruff, uncouth Men who hunt dragons for a living. (Sorta like me living in this world really. Sigh.) As he desperately tries ways to fit in by attempting to kill a dragon, he unwittingly befriends one and ultimately changes the course of his tribe's existence and becomes the hero that he was destined to be. Its a very very overused but realistic story, the subplots of Boy&Pet, HeroicFather vs WimpySon and GeekgetsFierceGirl also adding to the cliche factor of this movie. But what it has, is amazing depth and heart. I think every human looks a good story about relationships, whether its between Boy&Girl, Child&Parent, Man&Beast or in this case, all three kinds of relationships. Everyone would come out of this movie wishing he had his own Night Fury to fly on. But its not all a happy ending fairy tale - I love the bittersweet ending of this film. Its not tragic, but there's a tinge of realistic sadness at the end of it.

The visuals in this film are just awesome. The long epic shots of Hiccup riding his dragon Toothless are reminiscent of the beautiful aerial shots of Jake flying in his Banshees in Avatar. In fact, come to think of it, the plot of 'Dragon' is sorta like that of Avatar! But that aside, 'Dragon' is a good film too, because it also preaches so many other things that are relevant to modern society - Peace vs Violence as a way to settle problems, respecting nature vs destroying it, intelligence vs brawn. I think everybody should strive to be like Hiccup. Very often society doesn't need another person who conforms to it - what society really needs is someone who dares to be a radical, who dares to be totally different, who dares to move in the opposite direction, to take that bold step to be somebody different - and in doing so, discover that life and society doesn't always have to be the way it is. As Hiccup exclaims in the movie about the dragons, 'everything we know about you guys is wrong!' I think there are many truths out there that are only temporal and will eventual be proven to be wrong. Its up to those rare few with THE GIFT to revolutionize the way we see, do or think.

Ultimately, 'How To Train Your Dragon' is a film that appears childish on paper, but is extremely mature in its execution. Its a film that's adventurous, fun and a delight to watch. I hope that we'll see this dragons again because they provide a hell of a roarin' good time.

無眠

無眠
【曲/史俊威　詞/吳青峰、林暐哲】
今阿日月娘那這呢光
照著阮歸暝攏未凍睏
連頭毛都沒休睏

你甘知阮對你的思念
希望你有同款的夢
咱兩人做陣返來那一天
互相依偎的情愛

底你的心肝內
是不是還有我的存在
永遠攏底等
有時陣嘛會不甘願
想講要作伙飛
去一個心中美麗的所在
所有的一切
攏總尬你放作夥
希望你 會當了解

今阿日月娘那這呢光
照著阮歸暝攏未凍睏
親像魚死底花園

你甘知阮對你的思念
希望你有同款的夢
咱兩人做陣返來那一天
互相依偎的情愛

底你的心肝內
是不是還有我的存在
永遠攏底等
有時陣嘛會不甘願
想講要作伙飛
去一個心中美麗的所在
所有的一切
攏總尬你放作夥
希望你 會當了解

我不管多少時間
多少目屎多少失望來忍耐
我不管你當時會返來
其實我嘛不知影為怎樣為怎樣憨憨等待
你
是我唯一的愛......

底你的心肝內
是不是還有我的存在
永遠攏底等
有時陣嘛會不甘願
想講要作伙飛
去一個心中美麗的所在
所有的一切
攏總尬你放作夥
希望你 會當了解
為著你 我一定等
_____________________________________

這是一個愛情等待者的自我獨白，他無悔於等待，守護著愛。他希望 像鳥一般比翼雙飛，卻成為了失去水的魚。

I'm feeling some strange emotions today, emotions that I haven't felt in a long long time.

Sometimes, we human beings think and analyse stuff too much. It gets exhausting and honestly, just kills brain cells. Which is why I like things straight forward and simple. Maybe some would view it as reckless, tactless even dangerous, but I find it refreshing. I think we are stronger than we think. We aren't made of porcelain. So go ahead, be direct, tell them the truth, because they are strong enough to handle it.

To those out there who are waiting for Mister or Miss Right, this beautiful song if for you. The fact that it is in Hokkien makes it so much more sophisticated.

Peace and love.

Of intubations, leopards and tigers.

I think its really strange to transition from intubating and doing CPR on a couple of collapsed patients, to making your way home the next moment to change before leaving for the Night Safari to do my part for the department in helping to entertain a distinguished foreign guest. Such is the nature of life in the emergency department. (And shift work!)

I haven't had much time to really get a feel of what its like to be working in the Emergency Department because I've only just started elective there on Monday, and so far the supervisor I'm supposed to be following is on leave and my replacement supervisor is on leave every other day, but yeah, I've learnt that in Emergency Medicine, you really can't predict what's going to happen next. There are quiet night calls, and there are extremely hellish ones. There are days were everything goes according to plan and there are nights that hell will rain blood and tears all over you. Take today for example: in the span of the 2 hours where I was on the shop floor, there were a total of 4 standbys one after another(2 of them were collapses, 1 STEMI and 1 AMS), another patient who suddenly deteriorated while making her way to the CT scan and a resuscitation bay that was jammed packed with people rushing to create a sense of order among the chaos. Today also marks the first time I had ever heard the anguish screams of relatives resonating through the air when they are first told the words that every family dreads to hear from the mouth of a doctor: 'I'm sorry, but we've done our best.' I had only thought that you'll hear or see such scenes in the movies, but today I realized that it happens in real life as well. And the message really hit home because the patient in question was one of two patients that I had intubated and performed CPR on. You realize that this is life. There's always going to be death. Such is the nature of Medicine.

And of course, the next moment, I was on my way home because I was "volunteered" by my replacement supervisor to accompany another registrar and a foreign dignitary to the Night Safari, and thus ended my shift 5 hours before I was due to go. (I highly suspect that its all his ploy to get rid of me!). It was a surreal experience, having to just drop all the drama and horror seen in the last 45 mins or so and just walk out of the department doors having to feel excited and happy about going to the Night Safari, but I was strangely up to it. It just felt surreal and a bit weird, but the sadness isn't there anymore. Either I've become too jaded and used to death, or I've just master the art of letting go.

But anyway, that's not my point. I was asking the registrar involved why she had to play tour guide as well and she gave me the 'Duh, just like you, I got arrowed lah' look. I guess being arrowed to do stuff totally unrelated to the practice of medicine, is probably something that all junior specialist doctors have to do. Being arrowed to do sai-gang: probably a constant here in Singapore really, regardless of where you actually work in. But yeah, it was interesting. Entertaining foreign guests can be amusing. Its all smiles and cordial speech. It gets quite tiring as well, but it was something different compared to I don't know, setting an IV line or Toilet and Suturing. But such is the wonder of the shift system - you have time to do something totally unrelated to medicine everyday, which can be a perfect break sometimes.

I wonder what other surprises lie in wait in the TTSH A&E department. I can hardly wait. =)

when dreaming is better than reality

"There are many dangers on Pandora, and one of the subtlest is that you may come to love it too much." - Dr. Augustine Grace from 'Avatar'

James Cameron's 'Avatar' is probably going to be one of the best movies I've ever watched in my whole darn life. I had heard and read so much about this movie before going to watch it that I was initially worried that I would be disappointed by all the hype it had generated. Well, it certainly didn't disappoint! To quote Jake Sully, it was simply "Outstanding!"

There are so many reasons why 'Avatar' was such a fantastic movie. First of all the cast was fantastic, especially those acting as the Na'vi. I think Sam Worthington acted very well in this movie and there's no doubt that he is in for super stardom. This film would catapult him to the echelons of Hollywood and I think we have just witnessed the rise of a new action superstar. His portrayal of Jake Sully made the hero very likeable, and you feel for him when he faces so many life changing experiences in the movie. Zoe Saldana's portrayal of Neytiri, the Na'vi princess was also fantastic - her flashes of pure joy and anger, her snares, her posture was so convincing that she brought a potentially difficult character to life. Stephen Lang plays Miles Quaritch, the crazy warmongering Colonel with such a single minded determination that its hard not to want him dead, chewed and torn into a million fragments by a dozen Banshees and ultimately passed out into a sea of excrement. Other notable performances by Sigourney Weaver as scientist-mentor Dr Augustine Grace and Michelle Rodriguez as Helicopter pilot Truddy also add solid performances to the fantastic ensemble cast.

Apart from the cast, I was also simply awestruck at the amazing detail and depth James Cameron had invested within this movie to create a universe as realistic as Pandora. The technological achievement is just astounding, the level of creativity simply amazing. Watching the actors performances being fully translated onto the computer generated Na'vi was just an amazing feat of technology that was just awe-inspiring. Every motion was so fluid, every emotion so brilliantly captured that you really don't think that its computer generated at all. And the cinematography, the landscapes were just AWESOME. Seeing those scenes of Jake and Neytiri flying through the amazing backdrop of floating mountains and waterfalls was like poetry in motion. Fantastic!

But for all the technical breakthroughs that the film has managed to attain, I would think that the strongest draw for me is the epic tale that it so seamlessly puts together.

'Avatar' has a relatively simple plot. It is no 'Sherlock Holmes' (another film I managed to catch this week that's quite good, but not as fantastic as Avatar!) in terms of its plot twists and convolutions. It has a very predictable plot filled with characters that have stereotypical personalities and serve their typical functions in such a story. Some would even label it as 'Pocahontas in Space'. But despite its simple plot, I found the movie strangely touching and inspiring; in the hands of a lesser director, such a run of the mill, almost cliche story would appear ridiculous, but in the hands of a master like James Cameron, it became an epic tale with a heart.

The story has so many elements to it, so many layers of depth that it really is a masterpiece. On the surface, its the usual tale of Nature vs Machine: of the importance of respecting our natural world, of protecting the balance of nature and life, of the triumph of mother nature over the corrupted, polluted world of mankind - themes all too familiar to us, the generation that has to deal with the very serious notion of global warming and a dying planet. But dissect it further and you'll realize that its also a story of one man's own desire to free himself from the hopelessness and dredges of a life that no longer has any meaning to him.

Here you have Jake Sully, a paraplegic ex-marine with nothing to look forward to with regards to a life on earth, who decides to embark on this project for a fresh start in another planet: and look what at what he gains! A whole new life, one ultimately so much more beautiful and exhilarating that the life back on earth, trapped in a wheel chair; a life that he truly comes to love. Its a story of rediscovering oneself and rebirth, and the scene where Jake Sully first uses his Avatar body and discovers he can walk again has to be one of the most touching scenes in the movie ever - you can almost feel his joy on being able to walk, run, jump, feel with his feet again! It was amazing.

I think everyone out there hopes to have a means of escaping from reality and one of the reasons why 'Avatar' is proving to be so popular is the fact that it provides some sort of escapism that we so dearly desire. Wouldn't it be perfect if we could just plug our consciousness into a mainframe and live our lives in an alternate body in another beautiful universe? Its a twist on the concept first introduced in the Matrix, but in that case, the universe we end up getting plugged in is a form of slavery. Pandora however, is the opposite - it represents a beautiful world of freedom and infinite possibilities, one in which you can fly atop great ferocious flying beasts, prance through beautiful bio luminescent forests or witness stunningly beautiful waterfalls and floating mountains. To be able to escape to such a world, even if its just for 160 mins, is just awesome. I would be willing to watch it another time just to recapture that magic all over again!

"Everything is backwards now, like out there is the true world and in here is the dream." - Jake Sully from 'Avatar'
I love this quote from the movie. Its true isn't it? Sometimes, you enjoy the world you are in while dreaming, so much so that its a pain to return to reality. And the boundary between reality and dream scape is blurred indefinitely. But ultimately, dreams are just dreams, and we can't live in them for eternity. We aren't as lucky as Jake Sully who was able to transfer his soul from a horrible dream into a Utopian reality. Perhaps one day, we will be able to relive our lives by plugging our consciousness into a new body, but before that day arrives, we have to make do with living in our current realities and re-watching Avatar and its sequels to come, because that's as close to utopia that we can get.