and so it goes...

This is a cover of the song 'And So It Goes' by Stefanie Sun, sung during her recent concert here in Singapore. Originally sung by Billy Joel, this song is melancholic but hopeful, and perfectly sums up how I've been feeling over the past 2 weeks or so.



And So It Goes - Billy Joel
In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along

I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense

And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose

But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break

And this is why my eyes are closed
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

So I would choose to be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break

And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows
__________________________________________________

Recently, while watching certain events unfold, I can't help but feel that every single thing that I predicted would happen has finally happened. It feels as if I have utterly lost the war. There were times when I wanted to vent my anger, to scream and shout out loud because honestly, I　couldn't stand watching everything unfold anymore. Most certainly, the 'me' of the past wouldn't have been afraid to do so. Unfortunately, the 'me' of today has been taught well, having gone through many bitter lessons, to not let myself go berserk anymore. Its called 'being calm and matured and collected' they say, because its for the greater good, to prevent the situation from descending into disharmony and unhappiness; truth be told, its really just calculated censorship.

Negativity at its most creative equates to melancholic bliss, while Negativity at its most destructive equates to melodramatic rants. Over the past few days, I've attempted to channel all the dark, negative thoughts flowing through my mind away, into some dark chalice of despair locked away in some corner of the room. But I've obviously failed, because nothing creative came out of it, and here I am, once again, tethering at the edge of another melodramatic rant. That's because, at the end of all those nights, I came to a sudeen realization that I am now really, both literally and figuratively alone. Once again, my watchful silence has failed me. All it has created is a bitter pill for me to swallow. One that I have no choice but to take.

I know what my friends who read this would say, that I'm NOT alone. I know that physically, yes, I am not. I am surrounded by fellow colleagues everyday in the Hospital, but the truth is, emotionally and psychologically, I am absent. Which is why, I am thankful for the reunions that I have been having over the past weekends or so, meeting up with people whom I've missed and longed to meet again for such a long time, doing brainless things like eating roti prata and drinking coffee, rotting at each others' homes, and chit-chatting about life in general, because they've allowed me to be distracted from everything. Between putting up a happy face and being crazy all over again, I've become too busy to remember how horrible I've been feeling. Perfect distraction from the venom flowing through my veins.

The saddest thing of all is that I am fully aware of the source of all my venom. But like a poison tree, it is hard to discard it. Pride, ah the dreaded sin called Pride, is preventing me from letting it go, because deep down inside, I cannot allow myself to step back again.

I have the antidote. But the antidote itself, is poison.